Our hero, Trevor Whiz, has infiltrated McDonalds’ corporate management. He writes from somewhere in the West:
12/28 3:21 p.m. — On New Year’s Eve we will thicken our shakes, just as we have on News Years’ past, thus gradually deceiving parents into feeding their kids ice cream with their hamburgers. Hah, but it’s not ice cream after all; creamless and milkless, our shake is its own food, a new food. They believe it’s a “shake” just because you eat it with a straw. Little do they realize that we’ve made the straw one millimeter wider in circumference every year. Soon we will introduce a truly wide sucktube, with a mouthpiece.
Proceeding with planned replacement of Ronald. Old Ronald, tired and bitter, has been left in a place where he can’t make much noise. We are running our first spots with the new Ronald. Tends to overact. Also, a bit effeminate. Auditions continue.
4:29 p.m. — Here’s the hootch on the old Ronald: He was a bleeding heart, he supported policies like the Ronald McDonald House. But he got guff from the public due to increasing hamburger prices. Meanwhile the boys upstairs were raking in big bucks and letting Ronald take the blame. The old man began squealing, talking whack. We sent him to a nice small town in New Mexico, with a little schoolhouse for the kids, a church, beauty parlor for the wife and not much else. He just keeps quiet and nobody gets hurt.
We are at the testing stage with the new sucktube. Mouthpiece not yet refined to the point at which S’s can consume a thickshake without having it spew out their noses.