When I made the move for my coat at 3 a.m., having spent the previous hour filling up on coffee with lone survivor Mrs. Dumpy, I wondered what had happened to Colleen. As I bent over to retrieve my coat, knocked off its hanger to the floor of the hall closet in the murky Precambrian …
Author Archives: Remington Murphy
About Colleen
by Remington Murphy One of the new recruits in my crusade against the Department was Colleen Hughes, a teaching assistant for the Remedial Reading Pogrom, a sort of School of Liberal Arts/Education joint venture (actually, a scam might more accurately describe what it was) meant to sustain the languishing Education faculty, whom the university, thanks …
Dante in Paradise
St. Peter: So your name’s Dante, is it? Dante: Yeah, that’s right. St. Peter: That’ll be ten thousand lire for the night. Dante: Ten thousand? St. Peter: He, Look. God runs a clean hotel. You don’t have cherubim leanin’ out the windows, you don’t have roaches crawlin’ on the walls. Dante: All right. St. Peter: …
Ste. Joan of Arc’s Night Out
(Joan of Arc) (Gretchen) King Charles wore his yellow suit. You should have seen the dress Queen Isabel was in. You talk about your putting on for foreign dignitaries. I’ve always wanted Faust to take me there. Well, anyway, I slew the English army. I wore my helmet with the little tassels, you know, the …
The Bitch Trip
Two smoke bombs, synchronized with his feat, explode to either side, belching pillars of thick mushroom smoke. Ric: The bag you’re in, the fear you fear. You’re a superhuman, subhuman freebase queer. Have a look into the morror, see the faces in your face. You’re a subdeb hero. You’re a see-through zero. You’re an ax-whacking, …
Big Pete Says…
(Impersonating John F. Kennedy) Hello, I’m Big Pete. (canned applause). Because I am. (canned guffaws). Give me a feel, ladies and gentlemen. You give me a feeling and I want to share it. God’s heavy hand reaches earthwards and the deep and quiet waters rage upon the land. (canned chickens clucking. voice that shifts to …
Circle-O-Fear
Base: X-ray Papa Victor raising Echo Romeo Foxtrap, do you splinter? Airborne: Patch— Base: X-ray Papa Victor vectoring Echo Romeo. We have you cresting and You’re all the way. Airborne: Number two and climbing. Haven’t got there yet, Big Papa. Base: Stop thinking. Don’t concentrate. Your brain will start oozing out your ears like the …
His Network Premiere
Shut up. Attention! Atten— Good evening, ladies ‘n’ gemmelmen. Good evening, gummelmoan or laddies. Good morrow, ladies. We have a hot time tonight. Okay. Tonight the ABC premiere: Il Paradiso, the movie. Marcello Spaghetti, Sophia Lasagna, Annette Ragu, Chef Boy-ar-dee are guineas in paradise, trapped in a deathless world of no frustrations because Jehovah reins, …